A Mother's Son

I am not sure how to start. Do I start at the end or the beginning? I thought that I would start at the end then go back to what I believe is the beginning.

My son Ryan James Chatterton committed suicide on November 25th 2015. He shocked his family and friends because none of us saw this coming. He left us all wondering WHY? I am going to piece together his story as best as I can through my eyes and the eyes of many of his friends and family.

I am thinking back and I believe that 1 ½ years ago is when I had first caught Ryan doing pot. He swore to me that he had only been doing it recreationally and that there was nothing to worry about because he wasn't addicted to it and "geez mom people cannot get addicted to pot". I was extremely worried about him because his father was an addict and had died at the young age of 53. I have always worried about my boys because I do believe that addiction is somewhat hereditary. I have always told them they had to be extra careful because that was not the life I wanted for them and I knew their father would never want them to live the life that he had.

A few weeks had passed and I caught Ryan with pot again. I had flushed his pot that he bought down the toilet a few times, boy did that make him mad. I started purchasing the over the counter drug test and started testing him once a week until he tested negative. I did not let him go to a few of the wrestling tournaments until he was clean. It was in January of 2015 that he tested clean. He was very moody and angry in the time it took him to get clean. It had gotten to the point that all we did was argue about his drug use.

In the month and a half that it took him to get clean I had been in very close contact with his coach. We had a meeting with Ryan about the dangers of doing drugs. I knew that he really looked up to his coach so I thought that maybe he could get through to him. He told us all that day that he was going to quit doing drugs but he didn't.

One day I dropped Riley off for his semester test at school and thought I would go snoop in Ryan's truck to see if I could find any evidence of him still smoking pot. I pulled into the school parking lot and as I was driving down the one side of the parking lot I saw someone come out of the wrestling room door and proceed to get into Ryan's truck. I pulled to the end of the cars and parked. I watched for a bit but could not tell who it was or what they were doing because I was too far away. I think he spotted me and got out and went back into the school. I went to Ryan's truck. As I was walking to it the kid peeked back out the door and then went back in right away because he saw me. When I opened the door his truck reeked horribly of pot. I took the keys and locked his truck and proceeded to the principal's office. I talked to both the principal and vice principal that day. We went to the computer room to pull video footage up on the cameras to see who the kid was. I knew he had a black jacket and black hat on. I also knew the kid who had come out of the door right after the unidentified kid had entered. Well first we tried to pull up the archived stuff for the outside cameras but they couldn't and had not been able to for a while from what I was told that day. Then they used the inside camera for that hallway and figured out which kid it was. I had never heard of him and didn't know who he was. I took them to the truck and unlocked it so that they could smell it, they were like someone definitely just smoked pot in here. We looked around for any evidence of the pot or paraphernalia but could not find any. We went back in the school and they tried to find the kid but he was nowhere to be found. They asked if I would come back the next day and have a meeting with them and the kid, I agreed. I told Ryan that I was going to have a meeting with them and he just laughed said I shouldn't even bother going because they couldn't do anything to the kid anyway. I was like whatever I am going and I am sure he will be in a lot of trouble. Well I couldn't believe it but Ryan was right. The suspected individual denied smoking pot in Ryan's truck, he said he was getting his charging cord and they believed him. Apparently their hands are tied when it comes to drugs, if they do not find the drug or paraphernalia they cannot do anything. I was appalled I just could not believe what I was hearing. They wanted to know why I was looking in Ryan's truck and I told them because he was smoking pot and I was snooping to see if there was any evidence of him still using. I told them that I had even been drug testing Ryan and the principal told me it was all "hearsay" coming from his own mother. First of all why would I lie about my son doing drugs? I was trying to get him help! It is really hard to tell your kid no to drugs when they know they can go to school stoned and still be able to play sports even if they are on drugs and all of the kids know it. So why would they think anything is wrong with drugs if no one at the school seems to care?

My next step was to contact the school board because I just couldn't believe that nothing happened to that kid. At this point I was not just worried about my son but all of the children in this community. I have talked to several kids in this community and I will tell you right now you would be in shock if you knew everything that I did. There is a serious problem with drugs in that school. I talked to one school board member, he had me talk to another. They did not want me to go to a school board meeting they wanted me to contact the police and tell them everything that I had told them. I felt like they did not want to do anything about it. I told them I thought they were just pawning me off on the police, of course, I was told that was not the case. They said that they would start a committee regarding the drugs in the high school and they would call me to be on it, I have still not received that phone call. What truly is the drug policy in our school system and is it being enforced?

Ryan decided that it would be better to go live with one of his friends because all I ever did was talk about drugs and he was sick of it. At this point I already thought that Ryan was addicted and needed treatment. I agreed to let his friends try to help him. About a week after he moved out I went to the house he was living at to test him. He did not want to be tested and tried to get his friend's younger brother to pee for him. I then stood in the bathroom until he peed and of course it was positive. At that moment my heart just sank, I knew he could not quit because he was addicted. Against my better judgement, I let him stay with his friend because state wrestling was just around the corner. After I had tested him at his friend's house he pretty much disowned me. I truly felt like my back was against the wall because nobody else was holding Ryan accountable for anything he was doing except me, making me the bad guy. When I went to the tournaments he would just ignore me because he was mad at me. I still went and videoed all of his matches which he would watch over and over again. I am sure that is how he fine-tuned his wrestling technique.

The wrestling season was coming to an end. It was time for state and Sidney had a great looking team. It had always been Ryan's dream to win a state title. Well this was his year. As his championship match started my stomach was in knots because I knew how very bad he had always wanted to be a state champ. I was prepared for the match to go to the final seconds. It was just crazy. He pinned the other wrestler in the first period with his signature move the "Chattystack". It was absolutely amazing to see how happy he was. I swear that smile of his lit up the entire stadium. I was so proud of him. I loved to watch him wrestle, you see he just kind of had his own funk about him he wasn't your typical wrestler and it was truly amazing to watch him wrestle.

He continued to stay with his friend until May 2015 when they found out he was doing drugs and told him he had to leave. He came to me to come home but he still did not see that he had a problem. I told him he had to follow the rules and no drugs. I told him that if I caught him again that he would either have to go to treatment or move out. It was about a week and I caught him. He still believed that he did not need treatment at this time. I had to call a police officer and make him leave. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I wanted him to know that I was not going to put up with it. Tough love right?

He then ended up moving in with another friend, I think he ended up getting kicked out of that house in August of 2015. He then moved in with yet another friend but ended up having to leave due to landlord issues. I think he stayed at a hotel for a while, he also lived out of his truck for a little while.

He contacted me towards the end of October 2015 and said that he missed us and wanted to come home. He came and talked to me for 4 hours. It was so nice, I got one of his awesome hugs and he told me that he wanted to get clean. So I agreed to let him come home. Oh how I had missed him while he was gone. He had been gone for the past 9 months and I thought he had finally figured out that the pot was bad for him and that it had been basically ruining his life for the past 9 months.

In the last month of his life while he was home for the most part he seemed happy. He was so excited for wrestling to start. He was ranked nationally this year. I knew that he was still doing drugs and told him you know I am going to test you in a month and you should be clean. I told him if he really wanted to succeed at quitting he needed to stay away from the people that he did it with but he always said it was his choice. I had even asked him if he thought that he needed anti-depressants and he was like no I'm fine. I told him that it was ok to take them because I took them and that they do help if you are depressed but he still denied needing them.

On the 16th of November he wrecked his truck on his way home at about 5:30 pm. He called me and told me he went in the ditch I asked him what happened and he said he was distracted. By the time that I got to him he said that a couple of does had ran out in the road and he had swerved to miss them. The weird thing was there were no skid marks or evidence of braking. I knew just by looking at him that he was stoned but of course when I asked him if he was he denied it. I asked him if there was any pot in his truck and if there was he should probably get it and put it in mine but he also denied that. While we waited in my truck for the cop to get there I asked him if he thought God was trying to tell him something. He was like "what do you mean?" I told him "I know that you are stoned even though you will not admit it to me, but do you think maybe he is trying to tell you to wake up before it is too late?" I was like "you just wrecked your pride and joy because you are addicted to pot!" He could never admit when he was doing it but I always knew just by looking at him. He did not want anyone to know that he had wrecked his truck, he kept it on the down low. I know he was very ashamed of himself after he wrecked his truck.

He had been going to wrestling practice and had all passing grades in school which wasn't the norm with him. On Monday the 23rd he came home stoned and he did not want at look at me. He was so messed up I asked him are you seriously stoned right now and he actually admitted it. I asked him if he was going to go to treatment or find a new place to live. He went down to his room. I went down there later and argued with him trying to get him to see that he needed help but I still couldn't get him to admit it. Late that night he sent me a text that I read Tuesday morning that said. "Hey could you do me one last favor and call the school and tell them I am sick and I will be gone when you get home." I figured that he found another place to live and was moving out. I tried to get him to go to school that morning but he wouldn't go. I left and went to a doctor appointment and wasn't gone for very long and when I got home he was surprised to see me. He was like "aren't you working today?" I told him no. So he pretty much hung out in his room all day except to come up and eat.

On the morning of the 25th everyone was gone from the house and I was the last to leave. Ryan was still sleeping when I left. I was going into town to get groceries. While I was in Shopko I received a phone call from a friend of his that was worried about him. He had sent him a snapchat and told him that he loved him. Instead of finishing my shopping I decided to go home and check on him. On my way home Riley called me, Ryan had texted him that he loved him. I told Riley I was worried about Ryan and about the phone call I had already received. Riley was then headed home too. I then got a text from Ryan he said "I love you" I said it right back and his next text said "Don't forget that." I said "why would I?" But he never texted back. I prayed all the way home. When I got home I ran through the house calling out his name but no answer. I ran downstairs he wasn't in his room. Where was he? I ran back upstairs and saw a file on the TV stand, I opened it and saw Ryan's letter to his brother. My heart sank I ran to the door to the deck and opened it went out and could not believe what I saw.

There he sat in a patio chair with his senior hoody and sweatpants, socks on the outside of his sweats, a pair of brand new gray Nike shoes, his Bengal's comforter wrapped around him, his class ring on, his wrestling pillow, in his pocket he had his father's ashes, his driver's license and another little boys obituary. That little boy meant the world to Ryan, he loved him so much. Ryan had a very difficult time when this precious little boy passed away.

I am certain he had just done it moments before I got there, I could still smell the gun powder. I told him repeatedly that I loved him I held him all the while my heart was breaking. I had called 911 and they wanted me to stay on the line but I was home by myself. I kept telling them I have to go I need to call someone, I finally hung up on them. I called my boyfriend he couldn't believe what I was telling him. I looked up and saw my other son coming down the drive and all I could think was find something to cover Ryan with I did not want his brother to see him like that. I found a blanket and got him covered before Riley got there thank God. When he came around the corner of the deck I told him don't come any closer. I went to Riley and gave him a hug and told him that Ryan was gone. It was absolutely the worst feeling ever. Thank God he had a couple of his friends with him they stayed with Riley. I just did not want to leave Ryan's side even though I knew he was gone I needed to be by him. Then the cops got here and they made me leave.

I went into my house and grabbed his folder with his suicide notes in them and sat on the couch with them. I started to read them one by one still in total disbeliefe of what had just happened. I never thought that he was going to do anything like this, I never picked up on any sign that he was that unhappy or that he was contemplating suicide. What did I miss? Why didn't I know? Why couldn't he reach out to me or anyone else for help? What was so bad that he thought suicide was the only way out? What did I do wrong as a parent? Why did God take him from me?

He glued a fortune from a fortune cookie to the front of the folder that said "Sorrow of parting will bring happiness of reunification". In his letter to his brother he said that he didn't know what was wrong with him and that he didn't feel loved by anyone even though he knew Riley and I loved him. In the letter that he wrote to me he told me it was his final goodbye and that he had been contemplating suicide for a year and a half. He said he never felt more useless to so many people, he thought that he was a terrible human being and that the world didn't need people like him in it. He said that all he was doing when he smoked weed was trying to get away from everything in life. He also questioned my love for him because he didn't think that I loved him unconditionally.

In the letter that he wrote to everyone he said that he was sure that quite a few of you would be saying "wow he was such a good looking kid and a champ wrestler, he had it all going for him so why did he do it?" The person that we all saw, the happy ole chatty on the outside was not how he felt on the inside. He had been tearing himself apart. He just thought that he was a terrible person. He said that he would take a lot of things back if he could but even then he thought he would still be writing his suicide letter. He said that he didn't want any of his family or friends to feel at fault because he had done this to himself. He gave a special shout out to several of his friends and families. He apologized to all of his friends for leaving on such short notice and that he was just broke as a person and hoped that everyone would be able to understand. He also gave a shout out to his coach and apologized for ditching him his senior year and he was sorry for ditching the team. He said that he just couldn't continue to live this life anymore. He said that he was sorry to every last one of you for his terrible decision. He wrote his name and 18 years young and never forget.

He also put April 7th 1997-November 24 2015. So he really planned on doing it the day before he did.

I think that I will call this portion the aftermath. Ryan was very particular about his phones and always had pass codes on them at all times. He never wanted anyone looking in his phone, he always said that it was his business. What is really crazy about all of this is he took the time to take the pass codes off of both of his phones he had been using. One of the phones was from when he did not live with me and the other he started using after he moved back home. After going through the phones and finding all of the things that were in there that he never took the time to delete, it was obvious to me at that point that he finally wanted me to know the truth or at least a portion of it. It was absolutely mind blowing the things that my family and I saw on his phones.

Well I can tell you that I had a lot of emotions running through my body. They were so many that I was trying to deal with all at the same time. I was pissed off, very angry, started putting blame where it didn't belong, shocked at finally finding out some things were true that I had always believed were but that several individuals had lied about, the pictures, the videos, finding out how little I really knew about my precious son. And the kicker of them all still trying to deal with the death of my son!!

What am I supposed to do now? Why would Ryan unlock his phones for me? Why did he want me to see what was on the phones? What am I supposed to do with all of the information that I found on his phones? Did he just finally want me to know the truth about what he had been doing? Was he trying to show me what possibly led him to his decision to commit suicide? Or could it be that he wants me to tell his story because he couldn't (because he was too proud and too ashamed to admit any of his weaknesses)?

I have talked to several of the children in this community since the death of my son. Just trying to find some of the pieces to the puzzle of Ryan's life and how he got to where he was now. You see my son had already started trying other drugs too. I believe he became a drug dealer to help support his habit. I would like to sincerely apologize right now if my son ever sold your child pot. I also found out that he had started smoking pot as a freshman. I mean picture this Ryan had a sincere passion to wrestle, he loved it with all of his being and his goal had always been to be a state champ. So I find it very hard to believe that when a senior wrestler approached him to smoke pot for the first time that he would have ever been able to say no. For Christ Sakes he looked up to that young man. I am sure he thought "wow he's a good wrestler and if he can smoke it and be good then I should be able to too." I also found out that the night that he wrecked his truck he was rolling a joint while he was driving and that is why he wrecked.

One of the reasons that Ryan never thought that I loved him unconditionally was because he always told me that all the other parents knew that their children were doing drugs and they are ok with it. I guess that I have a tough time believing that. I would think that if all of the parents in this community knew what I know and have been told by many students from the high school, you too would see that there is a huge drug problem in our school that needs to be addressed. Something needs to happen before it is too late for another one of our children in this community. That is another reason why I think Ryan wants his story told. He is hoping to help other children who may find themselves in his position before it is too late for them too.

I do believe that Ryan had been living a few different lives with all of his friends. I am guessing possibly four to five different lives. You see he had his life with his family and then his life with his different groups of friends. I don't think his different groups of friends ever intermingled with each other much, because Ryan never wanted that to happen. If it would have happened they would have probably been able to see Ryan did have a problem with drugs. He was addicted!! He always told them that he did not have a problem and that I was just crazy for even thinking he did. He would always find a way to make me look like the bad guy that way none of his friends would talk to me. He played us against either to keep the truth from coming out. He was extremely clever!

One thing that we all have to remember is that no two people are wired the same. Therefore, no two people will ever have the exact same reaction when they smoke pot or do other drugs. Some people don't like it at all when they try it. Some can try it and just do it every now and again. You see Ryan was addicted to pot because of how he was wired. Was he unable to quit because it made him escape feelings of depression? I am sure many of you kids don't believe that you can get addicted to pot but you can. I believe that every time the kids buy pot they are getting a different strain and do not know what the pot could be laced with including meth. I find that absolutely scary. So why do so many of the children in this community and surrounding communities think that it is ok to smoke pot? I am led to believe that because of the fact that there are states that have made it legal it has given our children the persona that it is ok do it. I mean if it is legal in these states how bad can it be! The only problem is once they have tried marijuana it makes it that much easier for them to be willing to try some other kind of drug. I am not sure what all drugs Ryan has been using but I do know that he was doing more than pot. Which he had sworn to me he would never do because pot is not a gateway drug!

You see my son had been doing a lot of things that he knew were wrong. He wasn't just doing drugs, he had also started stealing. So why would he start stealing? I believe that he had to in order to support his habit/addiction. It has been so shocking finding out some of what he has been doing. I had taught Ryan right from wrong but I do believe that the drugs he was doing made him think it was ok to do some of the things that he has done. His conscious was eating him alive! He had so many emotions running through him guilt, shame, embarrassment, hate. I can't even imagine what all was going through his mind but he felt like a terrible person because of all the things that he has done. Why because he knew it was wrong. At this point he was just in way too deep and he didn't think there was any way out. My son had so much pride that he couldn't admit to all that he had done because he was so ashamed of himself. So please don't ever let your pride get in the way no matter what!!

One thing that I think I have figured out is that I do believe my son knew me way better than I ever knew him! He finally wanted me to know the truth about what he had been doing. Even though he would have never been able to admit to all of what he had done in the past couple of years. He still wanted me to know at least some of the truth. I do believe there is still a whole lot more to Ryan's story that none of us will ever know! I truly believe that not one person ever fully knew my son. I think that he unlocked his phones for me to know some of the truth about what all he had been doing so that he could let go of some of the guilt that he had been carrying for so long.

If any of you know me very well there is one thing that I am sure you would all say about me. That no matter what, even if I am standing alone, I will always stand up for what I believe in! Right now at this moment in my life I truly believe deep inside my heart that Ryan left his phones unlocked for me to know the truth because he knew damn good and well that I would try my hardest to get something in place to help the kids in our community. Ryan was a good kid, he knew right from wrong but you see he became addicted to marijuana and once that happened he became a different person. I do believe that Ryan wants his story to be told in order to hopefully help other kids that may be in the position Ryan had found himself in.

I hope that no parent out there ever has to see what I did the day Ryan committed suicide. That picture will never leave me. I do believe that if my son hadn't started doing drugs or had admitted to his addiction and got some help that he would still be here today. Please I am asking all of the children and young adults to go to your parents and tell them if you are using drugs or have in the past. Also, if any of you have any feelings of depression or self- worth please talk to someone, don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. Just remember your parents will always love you no matter what you have done. I do believe that if you are honest with your parents they are going to respect you for coming forward and telling them the truth. Please I beg you to do it in Ryan's honor before you find yourself in the same position my handsome blue eyed, brown haired boy, with the most beautiful smile and dimples did.

Please help get the school to be a safe place for kids. If you don't think that there is a problem in that school ask some of the kids that go there and hopefully they will be as honest with you as they have been with me. Be prepared to be SHOCKED! Several of the students that I have talked to are guessing anywhere from 50 to 75 percent of the kids in high school are using currently or use on occasion. I guess I find that rather shocking. I was guessing 50 percent but I would assume the kids in the high school would know better than me! What's your opinion on the drug use in school?

-Teresa Asbeck Chatterton